Lately I have been thinking about family. I wish that my family were close but
whenever I try I get rejected. My own mother feeds on this with the family member that I have an issue with and my own mother will sit there and talk about me behind my back. My mom favors Jeff, she always has and always will. When my aunts talked to me they told me that my mom's favoritism of Jeff is because of her guilty conscience of the affair she had on my father, which caused the
existence of Jeff to happen. The same Aunt who doesn't like me and who has kept a grudge for 13 years against me is also friends with my step monster and has my step mother and my father not liking me. So dumb. My own father doesn't even make an attempt to have a
relationship with me either. I don't know what to do anymore. It is really painful when your own parents want nothing to do with you. My mom, sure she will call me once in a while but it is usually because she needs something. When I got my inheritance in 2006 my mom was there with her hand open asking for a loan of $1000 so I loaned her the money. She has yet to pay me one penny on that loan. I have even called her when money was tight asking her if she could send me $20 so I can at least get my medicine. Nothing! I have helped her out in so many ways and I don't even get a thank you. When she was going through her
Over Eaters Anonymous she got to the part when a person makes
ammends. Well she told me that she was sorry for the times when her boyfriends molested me and that she was sorry she let that happen to me. I thought that since she brought it up that we could talk about it some more and she tells me that when someone says they are sorry you are supposed to forgive and forget and that we weren't going to discuss it anymore.
My father on the other hand well....I better start off with what happened between my Aunt who hates my guts (her husband too) and myself. Well about 13 years ago I was staying with my Aunt and Uncle in their motel to help them do work because my Aunt has MS. Mind you I did this with NO pay even though they said they would pay me. So my cousin Rod ends up having to live there with them and he brings his girlfriend to live there too. Well Rod's girlfriend,
Nieca needed to go to Eureka to take her GED test. My Aunt says for me to take her in her car. Mind you Eureka is about 2 hours away from Willow Creek. So I drive
Nieca there. I had nowhere to go but stay in the car the whole time. Well during the
intermission of her GED test she comes out to the car to let me know how things are going. I asked her if she had any money because there was not enough gas to get back to Willow Creek.
Nieca reassures me that I don't have to worry about it that she will take care of it. I looked in the car for the
BP card that they usually kept in the ashtray and there was no card. Turns out they had to take it away because Rod was buying a lot of junk food on it at the gas station. When
Nieca got out of her test she told me that we needed to get to a Western Union place because she was able to get someone to wire us $50. Didn't think anything of it so we got the money and filled up the gas tank. Now a little time after I went back home to Sacramento and a couple of months later my Aunt starts to call me up leaving nasty messages on the phone calling me a
thief. She accused me of stealing money off of her credit card. She then tells me that I stole $75 from her. Ugh! So I called up
Nieca to find out what the deal was and
Nieca said she had panicked and found a
receipt on the floor of the car which had Mary's credit card number on it and called from a payphone to Western Union she said she tried at first to get them to send $20 but the Western Union people said it had to be a minimum of $50 and that there was an additional $25 processing fee. Wow!!!! So that is what started my Aunt hating me but because she was being rude to me and talking trash about me to my Aunt Patty I felt that I should send Mary and Joe a letter explaining how I felt on the matter. I brought up how I worked there with no pay because I loved them and wanted to help out and then I told them that I didn't appreciate them confiding in me
individually about their marital issues. So because I sent them the letter it made me more ugly in their eyes. Well then they told my step mother and my dad (who happen to be their best friends) and now they aren't happy with how I behaved and got mad at me. So my step monster and father feel that I am some horrible person because of this garbage with my Aunt. This Aunt is my mother's sister not my father's. When my Aunt got her credit card statement she noticed the Western Union charge and accused me of pretending to be her to send
Nieca $75. So my Aunt and Uncle call the sheriff down there in Willow Creek and the sheriff calls me. I told him that the only card of Mary's that I used was the
BP one but that Mary and Joe let all of us kids use it and if he got the records to that they would see that when any of us used the card we would just sign our own names on the receipts. Then he asked me if I had used any of her other credit cards and then I remembered about the one time when she sent me to Montgomery Wards to get new blinds for some of the rooms. Montgomery Wards was in Eureka and I took her credit card then and signed my own name to it. Well the sheriff when calling back Mary and Joe informed them that they don't have a case against me because well if it was me they would have a hard time proving that I didn't have permission to use their credit card since they didn't have problems with me using it any other time. That infuriated my Aunt and from that time on she has maligned me and slandered me to no end. I thought oh well I can just have a
relationship with my other family members. Well that didn't happen because Mary is the matriarch of the
Breinlinger sibling clan and because she hates me everyone feels that if they talk to me it will look as if they are taking sides against Mary and no one wants to offend her. I just don't get why my father and step mother let what Mary said to them about me affect a
relationship with me. I know that I am not perfect and I will be the first to admit when I make a mistake. I just want my family! They cut me out of everything. The only family I have is my brother Jonathan because he and I have this unsaid bond between us. When we have offended the other person we forgive them. Jonathan and I have only had one falling out our whole life and we both have forgiven one another and moved on. We know that we are there for each other even though we are basically the black sheep of the family. Mind you over the years I have apologized several times to Mary and Joe and I even sent them the $75 they accused me of stealing to try to make peace. They cashed the check but never forgave me and still won't have anything to do with me and then they gossip and spread lies about me to other family members so they won't talk to me. My heart is broken because I love my mother and my father and even my step mother yet they all don't want a
relationship with me. My mother for some reason likes it when people don't like me! She encouraged my brother Jeff to not like me by telling him that I called Children's Services on him and his wife Marlena. She doesn't encourage forgiveness from Mary and Joe, she will sit there and listen to and participate in the
backstabbing of me and not defend me to her sister. My own mother hates me and has hated me ever since I was a baby. I always tried to get her to love me by doing well in school and even getting a job when I was 12 (it was volunteer but I got awards and
recognitions from it). I just wanted her to be proud of me and I don't think she ever has been proud of me. She always talks about Jeff's kids bragging about how she loves being a grandma. When I was pregnant and lost my babies she was never there for me. When my baby that was born 3 months early and died the same day she was born, my mom never consoled me or was there for me. She doesn't even acknowledge her as a grandchild. When I had my uterine cancer and had to have a full
hysterectomy she wasn't there for me either. My father wasn't there for me either. It really hurts to have no parent love you. It hurts so bad that sometimes I wish for death....I would never take my life I just sometimes hurt so much that I pray that God will take me in my sleep. I hate hurting like that because that hurt takes the air out of my lungs and causes my heart to stop beating. I just want my parents to love me and to have a
relationship with me that isn't prejudiced by someone
else's lies. I don't think I will ever get that in this lifetime.
I am thankful though that no matter what they have heard about me that my Grandma and my Aunt Diane still love me and keep in touch with me. When I was little and going through the stuff I was going through, I always dreamed of living with them. I wish that dream came true because I love them a lot and they are good examples to follow. They love
unconditionally and that is how it is supposed to be with families.
I am also thankful for the few close friends that I have that are my family. There might not be blood
relationship between us but the bond is much closer. Friends are the family that we choose. It is amazing how some of my friends have been there when my parents should have been there. I am eternally grateful for them all.
I am sorry for having to unleash this on my blog but I needed to vent because these hurt feelings needed to be vented. It is a way to feel as if someone is listening and sometimes that is what a person needs.
Another thing that helps me is knowing that my Father in Heaven loves me no matter what. Also that my Savior, Jesus Christ, loves me enough to die on Calvary. With them repentance is a fresh start and that the mistakes I made many years ago or even many hours ago don't matter anymore because of the Atonement. I am truly thankful for their love as well.
Thanks for reading and for
understanding.
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