Rough 2013 Hopefully Better 2014

It blows me away to think of how 2013 really helped me to see how strong I was when I never thought I could possess any strength at all.
At the end of January 2013 I was hospitalized because I was unable to eat anything, I lost a lot of weight and was scary sick. It was horrible because while I was at Sky Lakes the rotovirus broke out and the wing I was in won the flu lottery which in turn made it worse for me in the vomiting and not being able to eat area. So I was life flighted over to Medford in a helicopter ( I don't remember much of it because right after they put me on the gurney they gave me a mix of phenergan and morphine). I was in Asante Rogue Valley for a few weeks because they put in a j-tube since anything that went into my stomach caused me to vomit profusely. So I was put on the Joey Feeding Pump and had to learn how to use that at home. I was only able to tolerate 15 ml (about a teaspoon) an hour. I was just happy to be home.
A couple of months went by while I was still on the j-tube and I ended up having c-diff as well as a injection site infection from my Humira injection. Back to Sky Lakes I went. While there, the vomiting started all over and so the doctors were doing some tests and they tried to push this barium stuff through my j-tube (which is in the jejunum below the stomach) so that I could get a ct done. Well the radiologist pushes it through and then I started vomiting with in a minute of him doing that. So then they send me back up to my room and say we will try again the next day. The next day comes and they try again and the same stinking thing happens. Well my labwork starts coming back funky from the blood draws. My hemoglobin is dropping as well as my white cell count. My labwork is also showing adrenal insufficiency so they start me on solumedrol. I have been on Imuran and Humira combined for 2 years. The Humira I was on since 2011. The Imuran I was on since 2005 (150mg). So while at Sky Lakes I end up becoming neutropenic (no white cells at all), my bone marrow biopsy comes back at 18% granulocytes, I get this horrible boil like blistery rash on my face (mainly chin), I start getting these ridiculously high fevers (104), my blood pressure decides to drop really low, my heart rate decides to speed up (140 resting and scary higher when moving). Sky Lakes doesn't have the resources to care for someone in my condition (they only had 1 positive pressure room). The hospitalists wanted to send me up to OHSU but I did not want to go that far because my support team is here in Klamath. One of the nurses who has taken care of me a lot, comes into my room. She was not my nurse that day, she asked if she could talk to me and I let her. She starts crying and she says, I am not talking to you as a nurse right now, but I am talking to you as a friend. She then says,"Please let them send you to OHSU, I don't want you to die and that is what is going to happen if you stay here like this." My sitter at the time, tells me that you can't put a price tag on your life so please go up there so they can help you. So I let them life flight me up to Portland to OHSU. It turns out a lot of what was causing all of the issues was that the Imuran and the Humira should NOT be used together because Imuran suppresses your immune system (or in my case at that point turned it off) and Humira caused a fungal infection throughout my bloodstream and also caused abscess infections in my kidneys, liver, and spleen. I was in and out of ICU repeatedly while there because when I got the fevers I would black out and would be unconscious for a couple of days at a time. Also when the fevers occurred my vitals would go haywire. So to help my body stop fighting all of these foreign things in my system, I had surgery and they removed my life port and my j-tube.  Eventually after 3 months I was able to go home. I was so thankful because that meant I had beat death. The doctors had said people in my situation die. I don't want to die, I feel like there is so much more for me to do.
So about a month and a half later my stupid hemoglobin drops down to 3 so I have to go in for a blood transfusion. Yeah, at this point I am like, can we do this outpatient because I do NOT want to go into the hospital. My doctor called infusion clinic and they said I could come in. So they are trying to get blood out of me so it can be type and crossed for blood transfusion, they also want to start the line so once the type and cross were done we could start the process. Well, it took a very looooonnnnnnggggg time. No joke, they ended up calling the head nurse of the ER, and he got the iv therapist's ultra sound machine to find my vein (yes the iv therapist who knows me well and has inserted my picc lines was on vacation). Finally get iv started but it was 4pm and the infusion clinic closes at 5pm so they decided to send me to ER to do the transfusion. Thankfully it wasn't busy for once and they put me in a trauma bay and started the transfusion there. For those of you who do not know how this works, this is what happens: they take your vitals (blood pressure, pulse oximeter machine, and temperature) right before starting the transfusion, they do a second set of the same vitals 15 minutes after it has started, then one last time after it is finished (they repeat this for each unit of blood you receive). Since my heart was still tachycardic (fast heartbeat from the infection still in my system) I also had to be put on heart monitor. Well the head ER doc says by the time I am done with my transfusions it will be like 4 in the morning and so he had me admitted to short stay. They admitted me and transferred me there with the plan being I would be discharged at 10am. Ok no worries, yeah right! My vitals did super good until the last set of vitals when I was done with the last unit of blood. Ugh! stupid neutropenic fever decided to rear it's ugly head. Nurse says, it is hospital policy if someone's vitals go wacky then they start iv antibiotics and send you up to ICU. OH MY WHAT?????? Yes I got sent to ICU, well I was in there for a few days, then the day they switched the hospitalists I get stuck with a greenie. She freaks out because my blood sugar dropped to 35, my heart rate was high, and my blood pressure dropped. I had to do that thing where you lay down for a few minutes then they take your blood pressure, then you sit up for a few minutes and they take your blood pressure again, then you stand up for a few minutes and they take your blood pressure. Theoretically, your blood pressure is supposed to stay in the same range, not mine, it decided to drop lower and lower. I think that test is called hydrostatic blood pressure reading? Anyways, the greenie doctor is freaking out and she decides to call up to OHSU because of my complications with the abscess infections. So here I am again being flown up to OHSU. 3 life flights in less than a year! Because I was in ICU at Sky Lakes when they transferred me up to OHSU I was admitted to the ICU there as well. The whole flight there I was not happy, because I absolutely hate having to explain things to doctors I don't know. I tell my PCP everything, he has all my records and knows everything and how to explain it and is responsible for my treatments. When I get into my ICU room, I was so freaking relieved, it was the same doctor who had discharged me a month and a half before. Wahooo, didn't have to explain the Imuran and Humira thing because he already knew. He was like, I don't know why they sent you here, just because you got a fever which is basically a normal thing for you because of the neutropenia. I told him I had tried telling that doctor that but she didn't want to listen. I end up being there for 2 and a half weeks because I kept getting fevers and lost 20 pounds and had a DVT and my adrenal insufficiency was bad. They took me off my prednisone and started me on hydrocortisone (No it is not the cream lol).
I ended up dropping down to 95 pounds, I am currently at 100. It is hard because the goal is for me to gain weight and the obsession with how much I weigh has pushed me into a regression of my anorexia. I am trying to fight this with all I have. I have faith that my Savior is aware of me and loves me and truly does care. I just feel sometimes that I have no worth because I am so sick. I try to focus on the positive. I am thankful that I am alive, I am thankful for the people God has blessed me with in my life, I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, that it enables me to tap into a strength that I did not know that I had. While going through these health issues, I have prayed to my Father in Heaven, and I feel a peace, a reassurance that this is only temporary, that one day I will be back to riding my bike and running. In the meantime I just need to focus on how I can serve other people through random acts of kindness also I need to focus on becoming a better person.
I just have a feeling that this year 2014 will show some good progress in all areas of my life.
Oh I forgot to mention, I am working with a dietician/nutritionist as well as I have been talking to this incredible life coach named Tammi from EDRecovery. They have proven to be rays of sunshine during my dark storm of anorexia. It isn't easy admitting that I struggle with that, but that is for another blog.
I hope that for those of you reading this, that you are blessed with much peace and happiness. That if you're struggling with Crohn's or anorexia you are not alone. Please reach out to someone. For the Crohn's I would be more than happy to be part of your support system as that is something I struggle with and understand all too well. For an eating disorder, I have relapsed right now and so I think it would be best if you talk to someone who isn't relapsed right now like Tammi from EDRecovery.  You can find her at EDrecoverycoach.com she is there to help and listen, and she really does understand.

Thank you once again for reading.